How does one write while her mind floats? How does she begin - with what word, with what sentence?
My mind is floating as I attempt to write something sensible and coherent. I want to write what I feel, but my heart - like my mind - is also drifting, and my emotions are now as unfathomable as my thoughts. But I have to write. Something in my gut is telling me to put things into words, hoping that if I do so, I will somehow sort this jumble of thoughts and feelings that is me.
It’s almost two in the afternoon and I have not eaten lunch. Instead, I’m in front of my laptop, trying to write while the divine Alejandro Sanz is singing Corazon Partio in the background. A fitting song, because I feel a little broken-hearted at the moment. (Por favor, Señor Sanz, dime, ¿quien me va a curar mi corazon partio? )
But why am I feeling broken-hearted? Maybe because I feel like I don’t belong with the people I’m now with. Maybe because I feel that my mother loves me the least. Maybe because I know what I need to do but I can’t seem to get myself to do it. Maybe because I want to talk but there’s no one who is really willing to listen. I don’t know. I really, honestly don’t know.
Maybe I should just call Dial-A-Friend and just ramble on, but what’s their number, anyway? Maybe I should just sit by the window and watch the clouds drift (everything drifts, it seems). Maybe I should just go find that Stephen Hawking book stuck somewhere in my room and educate myself about the cosmos. Maybe I should just go to sleep and will my subconscious to dream about Diego Buñuel.
Life’s a beach and a bitch, indeed.
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